


Worth It

by magiquemalec (Lliaq)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x19 speculation, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Memories, everything's sad, i'M SAD, it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 01:38:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18488650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lliaq/pseuds/magiquemalec
Summary: There's so much, images overlapping each other and words melting together, echoing all around him. One moment he watches himself walk away, heart broken - the next, Alec is striding down the aisle, face set in determination.Their first kiss is something that will forever be seared into Magnus' brain. It was monumentous and life-changing and so much more than he'd ever dared to hope for. But now, in the wake of losing everything, the memory leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.





	Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> Clap your hands if you're still sad after last night's episode!  
> This was inspired by the promo for 3x19, so potential spoilers ahead (at least for the Magnus part)  
> Not beta'd

Alec stares at the ring box sitting on his desk with blank eyes, his mind a million miles away.  
He can't get rid of the echoes of Magnus' words, _pleading_ him to stay. Every time he closes his eyes he sees the desperation and heartbreak he caused.

Part of him regrets it. No matter how many times he lists up the reasons why it was the right choice, no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that it was worth it.  
But it doesn't even matter. He accepted and the deal was made - he can't go back now, even if he wanted to. It's too late.

Something wet slips down his cheek and he swipes at it absently, then again as more and more tears start to fall. It wasn't supposed to end like this.  
They were supposed to be together. They were supposed to get married and yes, eventually Alec would grow old and die and Magnus would move on - but until then, they were supposed to be _happy_.  
They were supposed to have more time. Fifty years, seventy, maybe more if they got lucky. Not two and a half months.

"Oh, Alec." He looks up, startled. He didn't even hear Izzy come in. "You did it, didn't you?" she asks gently, rounding the desk and pulling him into a hug.  
"I-" he chokes on his words, but Izzy seems to understand and only hugs him tighter while his body gets wrecked with sobs, whispering quiet reassurances into his ear.  
But they all feel empty. There's no fixing this, no making it better. It's not going to be okay.  
Just a few hours ago she asked him if he was going to recover and the truth is - he doesn't know. How can he? He's lost the person he loves more than anyone else.

Knowing that something good will come out of it makes it bearable, but barely so; and it's hard to find comfort in that when he feels like he just ripped out his own heart.

It was worth it, he keeps telling himself, over and over. It was worth it, it was worth it, it was worth it it was worth it itwasworthititwasworthit.  
Even if it doesn't feel like it.

 

* * *

 

"I need you to erase all my memories of Alec."

A heavy silence follows his request - demand, really. It's drastic, he knows that, but he's not sure he can live like this, with these memories playing on repeat in his brain, taunting him - reminding him of everything he's lost.  
It's torture.

"I don't think that's wise." Zachariah's voice echoes in his mind.  
Magnus shakes his head and steps closer. " _Please_. I can't- This... it's breaking me." He's not above begging at this point. Anything to get rid of the all-consuming pain.

"You're making a decision born out of pain, Magnus."

Magnus swallows heavily and looks away, his eyes catching on the lit up skyline of New York. So bright, even in the middle of the night.

He brings his gaze back to Zachariah, allowing his walls to fall away. His best chance at convincing him is honesty.  
"Alec- meant everything to me. He made me remember what it's like to love, and _be_ loved. After almost a century of closing myself off, he-" He pauses briefly, trying to regain his composure after his voice breaks. "I've already lost everything else important to me, I can't- I can't survive losing him too. Forgetting him is the only way."  
He waits with bated breath, raw and on the brink of another breakdown.

"Let me show you something." Zachariah says, slowly nodding his head towards the skyline. "If you still wish to forget afterwards, I will take your memories away."  
Inhaling shakily, Magnus nods. There's nothing that will change his mind, so he can sit through whatever Zachariah wants to show him as long as he's secure in the knowledge that he'll be able to forget afterwards.

_"Well done."  
"More like medium rare."_

Magnus freezes upon hearing his own voice. He remembers that, remembers like it was yesterday. Almost in slow-motion, he turns to face the skyline. But where the backdrop of New York used to be, there's now a cloud of blue mist hanging in the air and his own face is smack in the middle of it.

_"I'm Magnus. I don't think we've been formally introduced."_  
_"Alec."_  
_"Pretty boy, get your team ready."_  
_"Would you like to go out for a drink some time?"_  
_"Are warlocks always this cryptic?"_  
_"I'm not cryptic, I'm being coy."_  
_"I wanted to see you again."_  
_"Why?"_  
_"Why'd you come?"_  
_"Trust makes you do strange things. Must be something in the air."_  
_"Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what's in your heart."_  
_"Goodbye, Alexander."_  
_"You'll be lonely all your life, and so will she. Neither of you deserve it. And I don't either."_

There's so much, images overlapping each other and words melting together, echoing all around him. One moment he watches himself walk away, heart broken - the next, Alec is striding down the aisle, face set in determination.  
Their first kiss is something that will forever be seared into Magnus' brain. It was monumentous and life-changing and so much more than he'd ever dared to hope for. But now, in the wake of losing everything, the memory leaves a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.

_"We're always going to face challenges. So when things get crazy, don't push me away."_  
_"Come back. Please, come back."_  
_"I know a place in SoHo that has the best lamb kebab this side of Marrakesh. Or we can portal to Marrakesh."_

Marrakesh, Tokyo, Prague, Havana - there are so many more places he's wanted to take Alec. Show him the world and everything it has to offer, whether by portal or plane.  
He'll never get the chance now.

_"It may take you a minute, but I've seen it up close. I went to your wedding. You'll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right."_

Or so he thought. Because nothing about _this_ feels right. Magnus watches helplessly as the images continue, memory after memory.  
Their first date, _maybe we're too- different?_ , their first time - Alec stumbling and both of them smiling and giggling, drunk on love.

He has to close his eyes, because he can't watch this. He can't keep watching this.

_"What are you afraid of?"  
"The key to having no fear is having nothing to lose."_

"Why are you showing me this?" he asks, voice barely more than a whisper. "If you're trying to make me more miserable than I already am, it's working."

_"I guess that's why I haven't opened my heart up for almost a hundred years. Then I met you."_

"Keep watching."  
Magnus forces himself to open his eyes. If he makes it through this, he can forget. He just has to hold on for a little longer.

Alec's on the ledge, tipping backwards and Magnus still remembers vividly the bone-chilling fear he'd felt in that moment. It was in that moment he'd realized that he can't lose Alec.  
And then, barely the blink of an eye later, he found Alec in front of the Institute, two seconds away from a panic attack as he told him he loved him. Seeing it like this- is strange.  
He remembers still reeling himself, after the massacre and everything. But now he has time to take it all in. The way Alec clings to him, the desperate relief in the way he kisses him. And he sees himself clinging right back, holding on tighter - because he's once again reminded that he can't lose this.

The memories before him clash hard with the ones created just a few hours ago. He watches Alec profess his love, over and over and over, with words and actions, and it doesn't make sense.  
How could he go from _"Magnus, I don't think I can live without you."_ to this, now, in such a short amount of time?  
What happened?

_"I've always dreamed of meeting someone like you."_  
_"All I care about is how you feel."_  
_"As long as you're here, I'm not going anywhere."_  
_"I can't help but think, if I'm lucky, maybe one of my arrowheads ends up in that box."_  
_"Look, I don't even want to think about you being gone."_  
_"But one day I will be."_

Magnus swallows thickly, barely even aware of the tears streaming down his face. One day.  
One day came a lot sooner than either of them thought. And it's his fault. It's all because he couldn't get a grip. Because he was too much.

"It's not your fault, Magnus."  
He startles, looking at Zachariah - who's presence he's honestly forgotten about.  
"Look at him Magnus, look at both of you. What you have is real, and strong. Love like that? It doesn't come along often."

Magnus wipes at his face, trying to get his breathing under control - but he's hiccuping and sobbing and choking on his own breaths as he watches Alec remind him again and again that he's more than his magic. As he listens to Alec promise him that he won't leave him.  
And he's suddenly reminded that he _knows_ Alec. He knows him inside out, and he knows that Alec spoke the truth every time he made those promises. Something has to have happened to cause all of this.

_"I won't lose you. I can't."_

_"I need a break."_

_"This isn't you."_

_"Magnus, I can't. I'm sorry."_

The blue mist dissipates into the night air, leaving behind only the glittering skyline and the dawning of a realization.

He turns to fully face Zachariah, who awaits him with a heavy look. "Do you still wish to forget?"

The words echo around Magnus' mind amidst a swirl of emotions of memories. It's all so fresh now, after reliving every single moment they ever had together. Everything. Falling in love, their fights, the highs, the lows, realizing that he never wants to lose what they have-  
He smiles through his tears and shakes his head.  
"No."  
It still hurts - and it will hurt for some time. But he's not ready to give up. He's not giving up on them, not yet.

"Good." Zachariah bows his head and starts to walk past him.

Magnus hesitates, but then he blurts out "Thank you- thank you."  
Zachariah stops, regarding him with an understanding look.  
"Some things are worth enduring the pain." he says evenly, before nodding again and leaving.

Magnus stays a little while longer, lost in the lights reflecting off the water below and the mess in his own head.  
There's no doubt in his mind that Alec loves him. He just needed to be reminded of it.  
And now it seems clearer than ever that something doesn't add up. He already felt it back in the shop, when Alec uttered those devastating last words without looking him in the eye. But then the pain took over everything, and he was too devastated to think clearly.

He dries the last of his tears and takes a deep breath, fortifying his resolve to make things right. Whatever is truly going on, he'll figure it out, and then they'll fix this.  
They always find their way back to each other, after all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading  
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://lliaq.tumblr.com)


End file.
